- The Tapes Your Mother Laid Out for You: Depeche Mode by Rob S.My Soul to Take: Movie Review
My Soul to Take
Directed by Wes Craven.
In Theaters Now
Review by Lucy Leitner
If you are wise, you will heed the advice contained within, thereby sparing yourself the inflated cost of admission to a needlessly 3-D film and any confusion about whether the symptoms of schizophrenia include the ability to see dead classmates in mirrors. But, if you decide to eschew the warnings and see the abysmal My Soul to Take, do not be surprised if you find yourself shouting the unlikely command, “Yeah, jackass, go deeper into those woods.”
Such is the state of affairs in Wes Craven’s latest nightmare, a flimsy teen slasher flick wrought with invented mythology, poorly hidden plot twists and more holes in the story than in O.J. Simpson’s alibi.
Sixteen years ago, Abel Plankoff (Raul Esparza)—a family man whose multiple personalities turn him into a knife-wielding maniac—ended his murder spree by killing a cop, his shrink and his pregnant wife. After dying what may be a record-breaking three times in the opening scene, the Ripper instigates an ambulance crash and disappears into the woods never to be seen again. Inexplicably prophetic legend has it that on the night of his alleged death (because really, he suffered multiple gunshot wounds, a self-inflicted stabbing and a car crash, he has to be dead, right?), teenagers may conjure his ghost or soul or the man himself to return from the grave, woods or river to rain vengeance upon them. You see, the night the Ripper may have died, seven babies were born and folklore posits that one may have received the serial killer’s soul. If these now teenagers, the aptly named Riverton Seven, do not slay a giant puppet dressed like Hellbilly Deluxe era Rob Zombie, he will kill them one by one.
And after a few scenes with this obnoxious Breakfast Club of high school stereotypes, you just can’t wait.
Are you really worried when bully-for-hire and self-described “crotch dog” Brandon (Nick Lashaway) ventures alone into the woods where the Ripper supposedly dwells? Or when scripture-quoting Penelope (Zena Grey) inexplicably decides to explore an eerie janitor’s closet? We’re not entirely clear on why sixteen years ago the Ripper murdered using a knife etched with the word ‘vengeance,’ but now his need for retribution makes sense. I’d be pissed off too if one of this group got my soul.
But which one has it?
There’s Brittany (Paulina Olszynski), the blond minion of the tyrannical Fang (who is not a werewolf as her name would indicate, but the some sort of mob boss archetype in skinny jeans). She harbors a hidden crush on Bug (Max Thieriot), a budding schizophrenic with a thing for scavenger birds who openly pines for her. But Brandon sexually harasses Brittany with the subtlety of Brett Favre and Penelope prays to Jesus for Bug to be hers. Oh, and apparently there’s a revolution going on at the high school in which outcasts like Bug and his loquacious buddy Alex (John Magaro) are planning to overthrow Fang (Emily Meade) and her crew of ethnically diverse popular girls. Are you getting all this? No? Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. Not when the Rob Zombie monster arrives.
But the possibly reincarnated, river-dwelling Ripper spends most of his brief screen time growling ominous phrases with an occasional out-of-character, “You piece of shit,” thrown in to up the profanity quotient. The rest of the dialogue is equally inane, as Alex tells Bug when he starts suspecting that one of his friends may be possessed by the Ripper, “You’ve seen one too many Law & Order reruns.”
Unfortunately most of the film is peppered with ridiculous lines like, “It’s not okay for people to go around killing each other all the time.” Well, not in the real world, but My Soul to Take would benefit from more action. No one cares about mundane high school politics when there are jocks to slaughter.
Most of the scares are cheap jolts stemming from Alex’s convenient habit of entering through windows and the occasional blood spatter when the Ripper decides to grace us with his rather amusing presence. And the 3-D technology seems only to be used to exploit a box office ratings loophole. In short, Captain EO was scarier than this lazy, poorly thought out film.
And possibly even more realistic.
According to Craven, schizophrenia gives you super powers. Indeed, though Bug is plagued by nightmares and migraines, he can also uncannily imitate his classmates’ voices and receive messages his murdered friends. And unlike serial killers on this planet who relive the moment of the crime and tend to revisit the location, the Ripper has no recollection of the murders. The entire film operates on the premise of our ability to believe a simultaneously specific and vague legend. The Ripper is either dead, a roaming inhabiting spirit (think Bob in Twin Peaks) or he’s been living in the woods since the “Dragula” video hit the airwaves and he decided he never needed to go clothes shopping again. But, the Ripper can only emerge from a certain spot in the river on a certain night when certain words are uttered.
Wes Craven didn’t invent Middle Earth here or a galaxy far, far away. He is not allowed that kind of mythology for a place that is supposed to be a generic American town. The film depends too heavily on us retaining the legend and the rather alien customs of Riverton, a place too unfamiliar and annoying to evoke fear. In this recession-plagued economy, you could probably afford to buy a soul on the internet with the inflated cost of seeing this schlock film.
Official HD Trailer – My Soul To Take
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Tags: 3-D, 3-D film, Horror, Horror Movie, John Magaro, Lucy Leitner, Max Thieriot, My Soul to Take, Nick Lashaway, Paulina Olszynski, Raul Esparza, Wes Craven